Dear Elisa, A letter to myself.

August 17th, 2018

Dear Elisa,

Hi, It’s you talking to you (as usual)

Look, I know shit honestly sucks right now and you feel a lot emotions with the big change that is about to take place in your life, you are moving into your first apartment with your best friend and going back to school living the “adult life” and it is honestly fucking scary. You honestly do not know much about taking care of yourself and well, you never really got the chance to learn how because of stuff that happened in life.

But one thing is for sure, this place you are in right now, your room in your grandmother’s apartment is not the last place you’ll be, there is a whole world out there and at this point, it is your choice how you want to tackle this world or even if you want to but don’t be discouraged, you’ve made magic out of shitty situations so many time even when you shouldn’t have needed to but you did, and you did it well. Give yourself some credit, you’ve done the damn thing but don’t let that  pat on the back make you feel like the work is done, it’s not and it’s not really going to be for a long time so here is where making active conscious choices come in, you have every right to be scared right now but it is your choice of wether you want to do the work to get you where you want to be despite that or be okay with where you are now.

This is not to invalidate your feelings but it’s the truth, the harsh and necessary truth.

Rest assured, IT WILL BE OKAY, YOU WILL BE OKAY and this is just many beginnings of your life time, you will look back on this very day and be so proud of yourself, create those goals and commit to them even if you don’t see results right away, even if other people laugh at you, even if you begin to doubt your journey. YOU WILL BE OKAY!

Let this be a new chapter where you decide to do it a bit different than you’ve been taught to or always have done it, this lifetime is for you and only you. You control only yourself and you are responsible for the decisions you do and don’t make. Choose wisely.

Choose your peace always and DON’T forget why you are in school, why you are sacrificing everything you’ve known and the future you want for yourself.

You got this!

Love, Elisa.

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Habits.

Habits.

Habits are something we do consistently so it would make sense that these habits determine a lot about who we are, what we do and how we do it. I tell myself “My future is based on habits today.” and that statement lives to be very true, Your habits today will tell you about what your future could possibly look like. Let’s look at the bigger picture.

“My future is based on habits today.”

Habits are so easily formed, We get into the routine of doing those same things everyday and our brain rewards us, Humans are designed to find comfort and familiarity in their daily lives but if isn’t helping us and only hurting us, why do we do it?  For example,  If you really want to start getting better quality sleep but are consistently going to sleep at 3 am (@ myself) then how will you truly get to the point where you can go to sleep at an appropriate time and can be well rested for the day? It cannot happen if you don’t start trying to get to bed at a decent time.

Humans are designed to find comfort and familiarity in their daily lives.

There is someone out there who has a paper due at 11:59 pm and is instead mindlessly scrolling through Instagram, twitter or any other social site when they could be finishing the paper by now and have the rest of the night worry-free and that is the most peculiar things about some humans, we know that it would make life easier to simply do it now so we can be more relaxed, and feel more accomplished if we were to do what we need to do now instead of waiting and yet we continue to be our worst enemies.

I have learned the more you put something off, the worst it gets and that is what it is like with bad habits. As stated above, If I continue to let myself fall asleep at 3 am and are not taking necessary steps to help myself get to sleep at a better time then I can expect to continue to feel sluggish, impatient and irritable through out the day until I start working on how to get better quality sleep.

What to do. 

Healthy habits can be developed no matter how long you have had these bad habits. You can do it! Let’s think of a game plan. If you want to work on getting to sleep on time, the first step is identifying the bad habits. What? What is that you are doing that is not helping you? For me, I do not get an adequate amount of sleep.  Next, Why do you want to change it? This step is important because it helps you get to the root about why it is important for this change to happen, having your “why” is very important. Why do you want to change this? From my example, I am tired and irritable all day because I am tired and want to feel more awake and productive through out the day. How? Well, I could start by powering down earlier which for me means putting my phone down and starting my bed routine earlier. Now here is the “hard” part, Staying consistent with these habits until I can go to bed earlier on my own.

It is hard but it is possible. All I really wanted to accomplish with this post is honestly to encourage all of you to develop healthier habits. I believe we can all change our bad habits, small or big, and turn them into something amazing, something that benefits you. You want to start going to the gym more often but haven’t in the past 3 months? Go tonight. You want to learn to cook? Watch videos/Ask a friend or family member to teach you. Need to start getting work done on time? Set up a reward system for yourself so you will feel more inclined to follow through with your work. (as if paying thousands of dollars for this one class isn’t motivation enough) But in all seriousness, I want you guys to continue to do your best. No matter how long you have had the habit, It can be conquered and replaced with something better.

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I believe in you, Do you believe in you?

You should.

Speaking of bad habits, I just finished this blog post five minutes before its release time. What? I need to start writing my blogs earlier. Why? Because it is stressful and I have to pee right now and i can’t because I have to finish this. How? Start writing the day before the release date or early on the day of the release.

See that, You got this.

Love,Elisa.

 

 

 

 

 

This time, next year.

Alright, here I go.
Life can take so many turns sometimes, your head will spin and you will feel like you are losing control of everything and end up looking at yourself in the mirror wondering where everything went wrong, going through the most mentally draining time of my life and I want to be able to let it out in the healthiest way I know how: writing.
Things are difficult right now.
Life has taken such a twist within the past few months and has left me feeling quite miserable and unsure of everything, Thoughts and memories trampling my head as I try to figure out ways to survive this, to keep fighting and keep going though my body and mind is ready to give out, It is hard and so tempting to let life go.
But this isn’t the end.
This is a hard time, hard times happen and I have been through them plenty of times before, I have survived times I thought I would never get through, I have faced trauma, heartbreak and failure on my part and have conquered those same moments to see today, to see right now, I am breathing and living right now after I was so sure I wasn’t going to, I am still here and I have accomplished many things I did not ever see myself accomplishing before the age of 20, I have so may talents and gifts that will take me somewhere incredible in the future. On this day, next year I will be at a completely different place in my life, I could be traveling abroad, have a great job, meeting some amazing people. The possibilities are endless, I am still hopeful that life will have me at a much better place this time, next year.
But, I am ready.
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To you, reading this, right now. You are probably going through a tough time in your life (or not and you are are reading this and that is fine too)  you may feel so many daunting emotions at once, you may feel like giving up, throwing in the towel and letting the darkness swallow you whole. I want to tell you, as a person who is currently going through a hard time that I acknowledge you. I may not be able to relate to your exact situation but I can tell you that I know what it feels like for everything to feel suffocating but I want you to know that you are not alone in your pain at all, I want you to give yourself and life  a chance to get brighter, I want to encourage you to keep fighting with every ounce of fight that is in you.
Keep fighting with every ounce of fight that is in you.
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There were times you did not think you could do something or make it through and you did, so keep going. If you have to scream, yell, cry and punch your way through it, do it. But I encourage you to not give up this life. Your life is worthy. Don’t let this be the end of your story but the beginning of something better. I am not asking you to pretend everything is okay but I am making a promise to my future self to not give up right now and I encourage all who read this to do the same.
Your future self will thank you for not giving up now.
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Letter to myself,
Dear Elisa,
You have been through a lot as of lately, Your mental health has been a roller coaster. You have cried, screamed and fought so hard to still be here right now and I am proud of you. Your life may be breaking down for you to have a breakthrough so choose to see this time through, let it hurt then let it go. Your future is for you and you may look back at this same moment, this same time and be thankful more than ever that you did not stop here. Don’t stop here.
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It is going to be okay.
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I want you guys to take the time to let yourself cry it out, sing it out, dance it out and use healthy habits to cope but do not let this be the end of your story. This blog post is for encouraging all who read it and also for myself, I need to read things like this and remind myself that I have come so far, I have done so much and I don’t want my story, my journey to end now. I hope you guys and girls feel the same, Together, we can conquer life. I want you to know that I am here for you, I acknowledge your pain and I want you to know that you are not alone. If you need a place to vent and feel comfortable doing so, my blog comments are there. Let’s heal and conquer this life together.
Envision yourself in the future, happy, living your best life. You will commit yourself to doing what you can do to see it all through, You could be having the best time of your life, This time, next year.
Love,Elisa.

 

 

7:46 pm.

Thoughts.

I am typing again, It feels good to be back. I have been doing a lot of self  reflection over the past few months, Life has allowed me to do that and honestly it’s a privilege to be able to have the time to self reflect on everything. I have been going through it, emotionally and physically over the past few months. You really don’t understand how much time and energy you may spending on things that isn’t healthy, at least that”s what I am slowly discovering…

Let me rant first…

So, As I am self reflecting, I feel this overwhelming need to always share and “prove” my growth, I feel like I have to open up  via social media or tell someone in order for my growth to be real, to be true and to be valued. I know it is normal for humans to want to interact and share thoughts, feelings and emotions but to what extent? I feel like I over share a lot because I think I have to, I have to have my living be validated but something, I have been learning the hard way that doing it that way is persuading me to believe that I have to share everything of my self discovery journey to be real. I am just learning that it is okay to not say anything, to allow myself to just grow without needing outside validation.

Anyways, that was probably confusing.

I am currently laying in bed in pain in my back and I feel awful. You know how when you pee and you can just get up to go pee with no problem? Well I went for a run yesterday and completely ruined the mobility of my back, I cannot bend over, I cannot put on shoes or go pee without intense pain in my spine. Seriously, if you can go pee, tie your shoes and just do daily activities without excruciating pain then be very grateful. Please.

I am also mad at myself for me having to wear my back out that I realize how I took doing these things for granted. I don’t know, just thoughts. But also, I do not intend to make this seem like people who are not able-bodied are living miserable lives or anything because that is not true either, just taking consideration within myself.

So, yes.

Random side note: This heating pad feels so good.

Okay, I am about to talk about self care mantra’s.

I have been struggling to keep my energy and mental healthy healthy enough for me to go out in public and I have to talk to myself sometimes to let myself know that I am okay, I am going to be okay after this interaction and I can enjoy this without shame. I have know been thinking of things to say to myself when I feel this intense panic when I am out in public. “Elisa, it is okay to have fun. No one is here to hurt you, you can enjoy the time here, relax, breathe, talk and get out of your shell.” Okay I know that seems long but I would need to repeat parts of it or all of it to be comfortable and calm down. I think it is important for anyone to have reminders for when they need it, have it located somewhere you can easily see it, remember it and try your best in each situation, always.

I am not sure what else to say, I forgot everything else.

I have a special message tomorrow though.

These are just random thoughts that may not make sense to anyone and that is okay.

Enjoy your night/morning/evening where ever you are.

Love,Elisa.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I want to be everything and nothing at all.

IMG_7551 (1)I remember in elementary school having a man in a fire fighter suit , police uniform, suit or a (and my favorite.) author of many books  come to school for career day something alike and they would explain to us how they gre to the position they are in now, why it is important and what we can do to be like them. Now of course as a six-year-old girl you find yourself mesmerized by the pre-assumed ‘glamour’ of being a fire fighter, “ooh i get to wear this big clumpy hat and water down big huge fires.” It wasn’t too long that I noticed that these same people would come every year almost and say the most redundant mediocre speeches, it became boring really quickly so needless to say I became very uninterested in hearing anything during that time and would instead spend that time writing, talking to a friend or honestly just spacing out the window which in turn would sometimes get me in trouble.

I did not believe that I could be many things in one.

Today as current college student, I have been thinking about all the times I really thought I wanted to pursue something out of inspiration and enthusiastic willingness to want to DO something I have never done before, I was always jumping from one thing to another, I remember being inspired by the movie “Phat Girlz” and drawing out sketches of clothes I would wear and my grandmother saying “something big can come out of this” and plenty of other movies I would watch that would send me down this spiral of “what do I want to be next?” there was also that time I was set on becoming the greatest soccer player in the world but I was so afraid to mess up in front of people and I am a black girl and thought that I would be “out of my place” trying to be good at that so that did not last long though I hyped myself up. Also, there was a point in time that I wanted to be a singer ( L O L ) and that is all I am  going to say about THAT, Oh and that time I wanted to ice skate professionally (oh boy lol) and wanting to be an author and luckily that  spark never ended.

There was also a time that I was set on becoming a great architecture, I was just very much in love with non-traditional designs of homes and houses. There are plenty more things that I wanted to do…to be. Now let’s get a little deep here shall we? Well, I had so many aspirations to do all of these things but there was this pattern I eventually noticed and that was that I did not believe that I could be many things in one. I always thought I had to be one thing and that was it, no other things could be involved, I was set on finding that one thing that I could do, get really good at it and take on the world with it but I eventually noticed that was not enough for me. at all. I was not okay with just doing one thing though I felt doing only thing was the only thing I could do or was “allowed” to, I had not recognized that I am a multidimensional human being with many aspirations and that was okay, I can enjoy those things while doing others.

I am still unlearning a lot of false painted truths.

I also struggle with keeping things going, I quickly give up (or use to) quickly give up when I wasn’t getting good enough faster or If I was told by someone who I wasn’t doing good enough, I gave up too quickly not realizing that the process of failure would be part of my foundation for my success. I also was still learning to bet on myself first, I was afraid to make it seem like I’m good at something, I did not want to come off as someone too confident because I taught girls are quiet and submissive while on the other hand being brought up that because I am a black girl my confidence is seen as cockiness, aggressiveness and sometimes even anger if I am passionate enough about it but I had to unlearn those things, hell, I have had to unlearn a lot of things in my lifetime and that is okay, I am still unlearning a lot of false painted truths.

 ( yes, I am an egg.) 

Now, I am very easily inspired and will majority of the time jump at the opportunity to learn something new but I also hate being too seen, too out there, too noticeable, too cocky, just anything too much. I do not want to be too well-known, I want to be discrete and kept too myself almost a mystery because I never want to seem boastful. I want to remain in my shell, I kind of like it here, It’s cozy ( yes, I am an egg.) I struggle with my own push and pulls of limitations I have set for myself to not be too out there, I want to do everything, be everything, pursue everything but I do not want what comes along with that everything. I do not know.

I guess what I am trying to say is I want to be everything and nothing at all.

I don’t know, I am still trying to figure this life thing out but more to come…

Thank you for reading.

Love,Elisa.

 

 

3:07 am.

IMG_7548Hi, I am here again at 3:07 am and I just feel like writing (well, typing actually.) Uhm, well I just have been thinking a lot about my life, what i want to do, what I want to achieve and it’s been having my anxiety at its peak and just ranting/talking/writing helps me relax a little, so here goes something.

I am very nervous about my future which is normal for a person about to enter their 20’s, currently in college, never been employed other many other things I don’t want to get into.

I don’t know.

I want to do so many things in life and right now all of that looks completely impossible, there are so many things as of now that point to those same aspirations not happening but I still feel myself wanting to try. I mean I don’t have much so what could I lose? Nothing. Or at least nothing I can think of right now.

Okay, what do I want to do? What do I aspire to be? Honestly,  “I want to be many things and nothing at all.

I want to act, I fell in love with the art of “acting” in middle school after watching a talent show and watching Degrassi (Please tell me you remember that show.) and I fell in love with the characters who faced normal life pre-teen/teenage problems and the fact that I felt like the person portraying that character was really going through that, real raw emotions, I love it. Also, I’m really into action movies especially ones that are futuristic with high tech gadgets especially superhero ones like Captain America (PLEASE TELL ME YOU SAW THAT MOVIE, IT WAS AWESOME!) and so yes, I hope to be able to start acting at some point in my life and be even mildly successful in it, I just want to enjoy the art and gain something from it.

I already have a passion for writing, I love it, It has put me at ease at so many stressful times in my life. (Time: 3:36 am, I should really go to bed.) I have so many journals that I unfortunately no longer hold possession of with writings of just everything from thoughts, feelings, movie’s I’ve come up with in my own head, BOOK IDEAS and yes that is in capital letters because I really want to be have my own books published one day, It will be mostly fiction, me making up characters from pieces of my heart and mind and connecting them with other characters that represent parts of me I do not like. You know….nothing deep.

And technology, technology has grown so much over years (3:42 am) and I am so happy that I am a part of a generation that has invented so many small devices that can do things that back then were not even in thought, seriously, look at what your phone can do! look at laptops today just so much magic that goes into creating these things (magic as in science, a lot of math, purposeful coding ect) and I hope to one day help create a watch that has holographic memory and call people and the holographic version of them pops up and you can talk to the holograph and send a message through them ( GOOGLE COMPANY CALL ME) I want to also do the same things with laptops, see a lot of crazy things but almost everything started with an idea.

(3:53 am) There is a few more things I want to do but If I do not get to sleep sooner, I’ll have a huge migraine later, well, that was that. I can always come back to this and see if I have done one or have started working towards one of these ideas, maybe so, maybe not but here goes something.

Love,Elisa.