I want to be everything and nothing at all.

I remember in elementary school having a man in a fire fighter suit , police uniform, suit or a (and my favorite.) author of many books  come to school for career day something alike and they would explain to us how they gre to the position they are in now, why it is important and what we can do to be like them. Now of course as a six-year-old girl you find yourself mesmerized by the pre-assumed ‘glamour’ of being a fire fighter, “ooh i get to wear this big clumpy hat and water down big huge fires.” It wasn’t too long that I noticed that these same people would come every year almost and say the most redundant mediocre speeches, it became boring really quickly so needless to say I became very uninterested in hearing anything during that time and would instead spend that time writing, talking to a friend or honestly just spacing out the window which in turn would sometimes get me in trouble.

I did not believe that I could be many things in one.

Today as current college student, I have been thinking about all the times I really thought I wanted to pursue something out of inspiration and enthusiastic willingness to want to DO something I have never done before, I was always jumping from one thing to another, I remember being inspired by the movie “Phat Girlz” and drawing out sketches of clothes I would wear and my grandmother saying “something big can come out of this” and plenty of other movies I would watch that would send me down this spiral of “what do I want to be next?” there was also that time I was set on becoming the greatest soccer player in the world but I was so afraid to mess up in front of people and I am a black girl and thought that I would be “out of my place” trying to be good at that so that did not last long though I hyped myself up. Also, there was a point in time that I wanted to be a singer ( L O L ) and that is all I am  going to say about THAT, Oh and that time I wanted to ice skate professionally (oh boy lol) and wanting to be an author and luckily that  spark never ended.

There was also a time that I was set on becoming a great architecture, I was just very much in love with non-traditional designs of homes and houses. There are plenty more things that I wanted to do…to be. Now let’s get a little deep here shall we? Well, I had so many aspirations to do all of these things but there was this pattern I eventually noticed and that was that I did not believe that I could be many things in one. I always thought I had to be one thing and that was it, no other things could be involved, I was set on finding that one thing that I could do, get really good at it and take on the world with it but I eventually noticed that was not enough for me. at all. I was not okay with just doing one thing though I felt doing only thing was the only thing I could do or was “allowed” to, I had not recognized that I am a multidimensional human being with many aspirations and that was okay, I can enjoy those things while doing others.

I am still unlearning a lot of false painted truths.

I also struggle with keeping things going, I quickly give up (or use to) quickly give up when I wasn’t getting good enough faster or If I was told by someone who I wasn’t doing good enough, I gave up too quickly not realizing that the process of failure would be part of my foundation for my success. I also was still learning to bet on myself first, I was afraid to make it seem like I’m good at something, I did not want to come off as someone too confident because I taught girls are quiet and submissive while on the other hand being brought up that because I am a black girl my confidence is seen as cockiness, aggressiveness and sometimes even anger if I am passionate enough about it but I had to unlearn those things, hell, I have had to unlearn a lot of things in my lifetime and that is okay, I am still unlearning a lot of false painted truths.

 ( yes, I am an egg.) 

Now, I am very easily inspired and will majority of the time jump at the opportunity to learn something new but I also hate being too seen, too out there, too noticeable, too cocky, just anything too much. I do not want to be too well-known, I want to be discrete and kept too myself almost a mystery because I never want to seem boastful. I want to remain in my shell, I kind of like it here, It’s cozy ( yes, I am an egg.) I struggle with my own push and pulls of limitations I have set for myself to not be too out there, I want to do everything, be everything, pursue everything but I do not want what comes along with that everything. I do not know.

I guess what I am trying to say is I want to be everything and nothing at all.

I don’t know, I am still trying to figure this life thing out but more to come…

Thank you for reading.

Love,Elisa.

 

 

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